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An Important Message from Mike Pence

By Andy Borowitz 10:20 A.M.



WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Vice-President Mike Pence has issued the following message to the American people:

Dear American People,

What with all the hoopla and hullabaloo of Inauguration Week, we didn’t really get a chance to get to know each other. And so, if you don’t mind, I thought that I’d take a minute or two to tell you a thing or two about Mike Pence.

I’m what most people would call a “fun guy.” In my spare time, I enjoy golf and heterosexuality. And I’m something of a voracious reader. My favorite book, of course, is the Bible, but I enjoy other books, too.

I’m a big fan of “The Da Vinci Code,” which has a lot of stuff about the Bible in it. And Paul Ryan just gave me a copy of “Atlas Shrugged,” by Ayn Rand. I just started reading that one, so I haven’t gotten to any parts in it about the Bible yet, but it’s darn good.

Another thing I read recently, and it’s probably become my second-favorite piece of reading material right after the Bible, is the Twenty-fifth Amendment to the United States Constitution.

It’s all about how to remove the President and replace him with the Vice-President. I have to admit that it was a kick to start reading the dusty old Constitution for the very first time and see yours truly right in there!

It turns out that the Twenty-fifth Amendment says that the country can remove the President if he is found to be “incapacitated.” That can mean anything from physically incapacitated, like being in an irreversible coma, to mentally incapacitated, like being seen raving like a lunatic during a visit to the C.I.A. Either way, if folks decide that it’s time to put a fork in you, see you later, alligator!

Whenever I read something great, I tell everyone I know to go out and read it, too. And so, my fellow-Americans, I encourage each and every one of you, history buffs or otherwise, to read the Twenty-fifth Amendment today—especially Section 4, which is a little complicated but really exciting, too. If you enjoy reading it as much as I did, let me know. I’m in my office in Washington and you can reach me anytime—I’m of sound mind and body.

Well, I’m super-glad we had the chance to get to know each other a little better. Until next time, here’s Mike Pence saying, God bless America. And God bless the Twenty-fifth Amendment.

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