Dear Santa:
How are you? How is Mrs. Claus? I hope everyone from the reindeer to the elves, is fine. I have been a very good boy this year. I would like an X-Box 360 with Call of Duty IV and an iPhone 4 for Christmas. I hope you will remember all this come Christmas morning.
Mary Christmas,
Timmy Jones
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Dear Timmy:
Dear Timmy:
Thank you for your letter. Mrs. Claus, the reindeer, and the elves are all fine .... and thank you for asking about them.
Santa is a little worried about all the time you spend playing video games and texting. Santa wouldn't want you to get fat.
Since you have indeed been a pretty good boy, I think I'll bring you something with which you can go outside and play.
Merry Christmas,
Santa
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Mr. Claus:
Seeing that I have fulfilled the 'naughty vs nice' contract, set by by you I might add, I feel confident that you can see your way clear to grant me what I have asked for.
I certainly wouldn't want to turn this joyous season into one of litigation.
In addition, don't you think that a jibe at my weight is a bit trite considering your own obesity?
Respectfully,
Tim Jones
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Mr. Jones:
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Mr. Jones:
While I acknowledge you have reasonably met the 'nice' criteria, need I remind you that your Christmas list is simply a REQUEST and in no way is it a guarantee of services provided.
Should you wish to pursue legal action, well that is your right. Please know, however, that my attorney's have been on retainer ever since the Burgermeister Meisterburger incident. We will be more than happy to take you on in open court.
Additionally, the exercise I alluded to will not only improve your health, but also improve your social skills, and potentially help clear up a complexion that looks like the bottom of the Burger King fry bin.
Very truly yours,
S. Claus
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Now look here Fat Man, I told you what I want and I expect you to bring it. I was attempting to be polite about this, but you got personal. Now, you just be disrespecting me.
Now look here Fat Man, I told you what I want and I expect you to bring it. I was attempting to be polite about this, but you got personal. Now, you just be disrespecting me.
I'm about to tweet my boys and we's goanna be waitin' for your fat ass and takin' my game console, my game, my phone, and whatever else I want .... whatever I want, man.
T-Bone
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Listen, Pizza Face:
Seriously??? You think a dude who breaks into every house in the world on ONE night and never gets caught sweats a gang-banger wannabe?
He sees you when you're sleeping....he knows when you're awake." Sound familiar, genius?
You know what kind of resources I have at my disposal. I got your shit wired, Jack. I go all around the world and see ways to hurt people in such a way that if I described them to you right now, you'd throw up your Totino's pizza roll.
You're not getting what you asked for, but I'm still stopping by your crib to stomp a mud hole in your ass ... and then walk it dry.
Chew on that, Petunia
S. Clizzy
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Dearest Santa:
Bring me whatever you see fit. I'll appreciate anything.
Love,
Timmy
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Dear Timmy:
Dear Timmy:
That's what I thought .... you little bastard.
Santa
