REVEALED: Army historians find ‘Message To Garcia’

New Post Public Reply Private Reply Replies (0) Message Board

Sep 30, 2016 at 12:25 PM

Quote:

REVEALED: Army historians find ‘Message To Garcia’ hero actually a bumbling moron

SALTYSAM

CARLISLE, Pa. — In an announcement that has every drill instructor and sanctimonious veteran in history absolutely apoplectic with shock, Army archivists have revealed that Lt. Andrew Rowan, the soldier who famously carried a critical message to rebel Gen.Calixto Garcia in the jungles of Cuba during the Spanish American War, was in fact a “lazy, shiftless turd.”

According to Col. Elmer “Fudd” Welsh, senior archivist for the Army’s museum at historic Carlisle Barracks and the man who discovered the formerly lost documents, Rowan was apparently “a total dirt-bag who was only chosen by President McKinley because the President fully expected the mission to be an ‘unmitigated fucking disaster.’

Thus, he asked his aide-de-camp to find him a ‘hapless patsy to pin the whole goddamn mess on, for when it surely goes south.’”
Welsh went on to explain the irony of a nation that lauded Rowan for nearly 120 years as the proverbial ‘Message To Garcia’ hero, and seminal example of perseverance, when it turns out he was actually “quite a bumbling moron.”

During the Army’s scouring of these recently discovered documents, it was revealed that Rowan himself had transcribed a personal account of the ‘adventure’ some years later. In one passage, he documented the truth behind the oft-vaunted story of his brief encounter with President McKinley, where he famously “…asked no questions, but simply carried out the deed.”

“Everyone thought I was all ‘personal initiative and shit’, but the reason I didn’t ask the President anything, was that I was hungover as hell, and I thought if I even opened my mouth, I’d vomit all over his face.

So I just stood there, slowly nodding at everything he said. Besides, what was I supposed to ask him anyway? I knew it was a pointless task in the first place…it’s Cuba for Christ’s sake. Do you know how many goddamn people down there are named ‘Garcia’? I mean, I guess I could have said, ‘Gee, Mr. President, thanks for this honor. You’re like the highest-ranking Blue Falcon in history.’”

Welsh said that Rowan’s account didn’t end there. About his time on the island of Cuba, Rowan went on to say:

“So, once I got down there, I went to the first whorehouse I could find and got fully blazed. I’m definitely into Latino chicks, and my buddy Rodriguez told me they have really dank weed in Cuba, so I was all over it.”

Further admissions by Rowan detailed his actual finding of Gen. Garcia, which completely debunked the legend that he “trekked through the jungles, finally discovering Garcia in Cuba’s Oriente mountains.”

“Anyway, like one week in, I’m sitting in the parlor of this great ‘rub n’ tug’ just outside Havana, and the dude sitting next to me is this old salty lookin’ bastard, who kind of looks familiar.

Well just then this hooker walks in and says, ‘Escucha me, Senior Generalisimo Garcia’ or something like that, and I thought, ‘Holy shit, I think that’s the dude!’ So, yadda yadda yadda, I hand him the letter, and boom! I’m fuckin’ famous.

I stayed down there a few more weeks to check things out, see the sights, you know. Besides, I figured Washington would be suspicious if I came back too soon.”

The trove of historic documents discovered at the Carlisle archives also included Rowan’s official personnel records, which highlight the full depth of his underwhelming mediocrity. According to his final lieutenant OER, his commanding officer referred to him as the “…ultimate POG,” which to the Army’s knowledge, is the first recorded use of the term “POG.”

Sources confirmed that every single gunnery sergeant in the Marine Corps was at present losing their mind.

Read more: http://www.duffelblog.com/2016/09/revealed-me...z4LkwkS2qw

“….he's a Blue Falcon, a derogatory euphemism for "buddy-fucker." Blue Falcons are great soldiers when the commander's watching.”

POG
1) People Other than Grunts (US Army Infantry) or 2) Permanently On the Ground (US Air Force, US Naval Aviation and US Army Aviation).

A POG sits cluless while Operators execute the mission.

Newer

Older

Scroll down for more posts ▼

Top 10 Most Recent News Articles

ASUS Harnesses AI Power with ProArt RTX Spark PCs

When ASUS throws its hat in the ring, you know it's going for the knockout. At IFA 2026, they're swinging for the fences with their new ProArt lineup—powered by NVIDIA RTX Spark. We're talking serious AI muscle here, up to 1 petaflop worth! What Makes This Lineup a Game Changer? The ProArt series, comprising of the P16 and P14 laptops, alongside the GR1X mini PC, is a...

BNI Sets Sights on Big Expansion Across Europe

BNI Charges Forward: Europe Expansion Strategy This one's got me thinking about how networking giants like BNI are not sitting back comfortably, they're on the move. BNI is going all-in on Europe, making serious waves by locking down new franchise territories in France, Italy, and the UK. It's no small feat—they already have a footprint there with over 35,000 members...

Marco's Pizza Fuels Education with $1M Donation Boost

It's not just about slinging pies for Marco's Pizza these days. They're marking a mighty milestone with a $1 million donation to Junior Achievement USA, a major player in prepping young folks to grapple with real-world financials and entrepreneurship. This hefty check not only pushes The Marco's Pizza Foundation's giving tally past the $1.5 million mark, but it also...

BC Mosaic App Store Unlocks New Tools for Researchers

Unleashing Innovation Through Specialized Apps Oh boy, it's about time someone shook things up in the research game. BC Platforms has rolled out the BC Mosaic App Store, a move that's got research types buzzing from Zurich to... well, anywhere healthcare pokes its head. These guys aren't just throwing out some generic, run-of-the-mill tools. No sir, they've created a...

SCO at 25: China's Strategic Push for Regional Growth

There's a new beat coming out of Central Asia, and it's resonating all the way from China's boardrooms to the barren landscapes of the Gobi Desert. With the Shanghai Cooperation Organization (SCO) celebrating its 25th anniversary, we're witnessing a pivot from a security-centric setup to a full-blown economic collaboration machine. The Landscape of SCO's Evolution Look,...

Geron Faces Legal Woes: Investors Watch for Fallout

Legal Storm Brewing Around Geron Corporation Ah, the familiar smell of trouble in corporate paradise, and this time it's drifting from Geron Corporation (NASDAQ: GERN). If you've got your chips on the table with these guys, you'd better pony up and listen up. Kuehn Law, PLLC is lighting a fire under Geron's board, snooping on whether their head honchos scuttled their...

Aurzen's ZIP Pro: A Mobile Cinema Revolution?

Aurzen ZIP Pro: A Big Splash in Times Square In the bustling heart of Manhattan, the glitz and glam of Times Square will shine a bit brighter this Fall. Why? Because Aurzen's introducing their latest gadget, the ZIP Pro. It’s a tri-fold Full HD pocket projector that, frankly, is aiming to redefine portable viewing. Boasting the ability to unfurl an 80-inch...

Hard Rock Hotel Malta: A New Mediterranean Hotspot

A Grand Opening Set to Boost Malta's Appeal Excitement buzzes in Malta with the recent opening of the Hard Rock Hotel Malta. It's not just another swanky hotel—this €350 million investment is a game-changer for the island's tourism sector. Over in the lively St George’s Bay, the hotel is already drawing in dignitaries, celebrities, and guests who rallied to witness...

Decoy Wines Bolsters Emmy Partnership with Creative Grant

Popping Corks for Creativity: Decoy's New Chapter Stepping outside the vines and into the artistic limelight, Decoy Wines is shaking up the status quo. Announcing the launch of the Pour to What's Possible Grant, the brand is throwing down $10,000 to back creatives itching to make waves in entertainment. Now, doesn't that stand out? The Grit Behind the Grapes: Decoy's...

Chiraag Shah Joins Crowell & Moring in Major Move

Shah's Strategic Move to Crowell & Moring The legal landscapes sometimes unfold like a strategic chessboard. Chiraag Shah just made a bold move by joining Crowell & Moring's International Dispute Resolution Practice in London. This isn't just a feather in the cap—it's a significant muscle flex in a competitive field where arbitration prowess can make or break...