Lost my car keys so I'm forcing the guy at Home Depot to
Lost my car keys so I'm forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.
At the hospital...
DOCTOR: Your wife signed a DNR.
ME: I'm here for a sprained ankle.
DOCTOR: She insisted.
Marriage: when hanging out goes way too far.
My boss at Walmart said I have to stop Febreezing the homeless and that they aren't homeless, they're customers.
Signs that your wife is cheating on you:
1. Wearing more makeup and perfume than usual
2. Acting distant
3. Sleeping with another dude
I was trying to get the bubbles out of my screen protector and I accidentally bought a horse on eBay.
Screw you, Burger King, if you really wanted me to have it "MY way" you'd have added alcohol to your menu.
If you attempt to rob a bank you won’t have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years whether you are successful or not.
To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell "what?" into a mirror over and over.
I have nothing in common with people who eat 1 Pringle at a time instead of frantically shoving 20 in their mouth like it's a wood chipper.
I didn't come here tonight to win a popularity contest. Is there one though? Because that will probably affect my behavior.
I can hear everything you're mumbling under the duct tape. Yes, I will marry you.
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you'll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief.
I don't think this guy who just told a woman to calm down understands how women work.
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