f I had known "cuties" were little oranges when my wife asked me to "bring a few home," I could have avoided these awkward introductions.
Wife: I wish we could have sex like we used to...
Husband: Do you mean with other people?
There's this guy at work who's giving his wife a gym membership & a vegetable juicer for her birthday tomorrow.
His name was Tom.
My wife hates it when I say "You are just like your mother!"
Actually, she hates it when I say anything during sex.
Sometimes I'm right.
Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I'm saying.
My wife remains very racist in her approach to laundry.
My wife dropped her keys & said "What's WRONG with me?"
I named 6 things before I realized it was a rhetorical question.
Generally speaking, a woman's hotness is directly proportional to the number of times your wife calls her a whore.
My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, "Who else would I cheat on?”
After sex with my wife, I like to light a cigarette and just lie in bed.
I’ve quit smoking.
20 years ago.
My wife's idea of oral sex is to sit down and talk me out of it.
Starting to think my wife might have a tumor.
She's had a headache for the past 15 years.
The last time there were sparks in my bedroom is when I was watching porn under the electric blanket.
Apparently "mowing the lawn" means two completely different things to my wife and I.
If my wife comes to bed nude it's ON, but when it's me at the end of the bed naked she's all "what are you doin, we're at Mattress City."
My wife nominated me to do the ice bucket challenge. I'm a little confused.
Has anyone else been asked to hold a toaster at the same time?
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
My wife is a big tennis fan,
tells me how disgusting she finds the constant grunting during the women's matches.
I promised her I'd try to stop.
I tell my wife we are broke so we don't end up broke.
As I sit here naked in Hugh Jackman's hotel room, it occurs to me that I might have mixed up my bucket list with my wife's.
Nice that after 17 years of marriage I can still have a sex dream about my wife.
Last night the role of my wife was played by Jessica Alba.
Married my wife for her looks.
Just not the ones she’s been giving me lately.
My wife always cheats when we play board games, like last night, we were all playing Monopoly and she was next door fucking the neighbor.
My wife stared at me like I had just asked to have a three way with her mom. No, it was way worse than that time.
Wife: I wish we could have sex like we used to...
Husband: Do you mean with other people?
There's this guy at work who's giving his wife a gym membership & a vegetable juicer for her birthday tomorrow.
His name was Tom.
My wife hates it when I say "You are just like your mother!"
Actually, she hates it when I say anything during sex.
Sometimes I'm right.
Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I'm saying.
My wife remains very racist in her approach to laundry.
My wife dropped her keys & said "What's WRONG with me?"
I named 6 things before I realized it was a rhetorical question.
Generally speaking, a woman's hotness is directly proportional to the number of times your wife calls her a whore.
My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, "Who else would I cheat on?”
After sex with my wife, I like to light a cigarette and just lie in bed.
I’ve quit smoking.
20 years ago.
My wife's idea of oral sex is to sit down and talk me out of it.
Starting to think my wife might have a tumor.
She's had a headache for the past 15 years.
The last time there were sparks in my bedroom is when I was watching porn under the electric blanket.
Apparently "mowing the lawn" means two completely different things to my wife and I.
If my wife comes to bed nude it's ON, but when it's me at the end of the bed naked she's all "what are you doin, we're at Mattress City."
My wife nominated me to do the ice bucket challenge. I'm a little confused.
Has anyone else been asked to hold a toaster at the same time?
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
My wife is a big tennis fan,
tells me how disgusting she finds the constant grunting during the women's matches.
I promised her I'd try to stop.
I tell my wife we are broke so we don't end up broke.
As I sit here naked in Hugh Jackman's hotel room, it occurs to me that I might have mixed up my bucket list with my wife's.
Nice that after 17 years of marriage I can still have a sex dream about my wife.
Last night the role of my wife was played by Jessica Alba.
Married my wife for her looks.
Just not the ones she’s been giving me lately.
My wife always cheats when we play board games, like last night, we were all playing Monopoly and she was next door fucking the neighbor.
My wife stared at me like I had just asked to have a three way with her mom. No, it was way worse than that time.
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