How Paul Ryan Is Really Going to Let This Trump Th

Quote:

---

By Charles P. Pierce

May 5, 2016

The big news this afternoon is the chat that CNN's Jake Tapper had with Speaker Paul Ryan, the zombie-eyed granny starver from the state of Wisconsin.

Being fluent by now in zombie-eyed granny-starver-speak, I would like to offer my services as translator.

Ryan:

"I'm just not ready to do that at this point. I'm not there right now…"I thought about this two days ago. I thought, actually, this thing was going to go to June 7 at the very least—probably to a convention—and so this is all pretty new for us.

The bulk of the burden on unifying the party will have to come from our presumptive nominee. I don't want to underplay what he accomplished. ... But he also inherits something very special, that's very special to a lot of us.

This is the party of Lincoln and Reagan and Jack Kemp. And we don't always nominate a Lincoln or a Reagan every four years, but we hope that our nominee aspires to be Lincoln- or Reagan-esque—that that person advances the principles of our party and appeals to a wide, vast majority of Americans… And so, I think what is necessary to make this work, for this to unify, is to actually take our principles and advance them.

And that's what we want to see. Saying we're unified doesn't in and of itself unify us, but actually taking the principles that we all believe in, showing that there's a dedication to those, and running a principled campaign that Republicans can be proud about and that can actually appeal to a majority of Americans—that, to me, is what it takes to unify this party."

Let's run all that through the trusty ZEGS-2000 Universal Translator and see what comes out.

"I'm going to come around on the vulgar talking yam, but I need a few weeks of completely undeserved approval to make sure my media-cultivated image as a serious person stays nice and shiny."

Thank you for your attention.

---