When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat f
Post# of 5246
Posted On: 03/02/2016 8:38:26 AM
When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier.
The families in Eggo commercials live in nice houses and appear wealthy.
Why are they always fighting over one shitty frozen waffle?
I love the compliments my boss gives like "wow you're on time today" and "great job ignoring dress code again”.
My co-worker was accused of flipping off the boss. I told HR that it couldn't have been him because he never lifts a finger to do anything.
There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t.
My moral compass must run on solar power, because it never seems to work after dark.
On first date:
"So, tell me something no one else knows about you."
"Well, my wife thinks I'm at the movies and you think I'm single."
PILOT OVER INTERCOM: I have some bad news, but before I tell you, keep in mind that the Wright bros could only stay airborne for 12 seconds.
I want to buy a Prius because I plan on driving off of a cliff & I don't want to make too big of an explosion & kill squirrels or turtles.
I hate it when you tell someone a lie to sound interesting and then you have to keep it up for several years because you married them.
Kids should think twice about threatening to run away from home. It only fills their parents with false hope.
Toddler tech support: "Did you try throwing it and crying?”
[Enter Password]
drapes
[Re-enter Password]
carpet
[Error: Passwords must match]
"How many fingers do I have up?"
- a gynecologist who thinks he's really funny
The families in Eggo commercials live in nice houses and appear wealthy.
Why are they always fighting over one shitty frozen waffle?
I love the compliments my boss gives like "wow you're on time today" and "great job ignoring dress code again”.
My co-worker was accused of flipping off the boss. I told HR that it couldn't have been him because he never lifts a finger to do anything.
There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t.
My moral compass must run on solar power, because it never seems to work after dark.
On first date:
"So, tell me something no one else knows about you."
"Well, my wife thinks I'm at the movies and you think I'm single."
PILOT OVER INTERCOM: I have some bad news, but before I tell you, keep in mind that the Wright bros could only stay airborne for 12 seconds.
I want to buy a Prius because I plan on driving off of a cliff & I don't want to make too big of an explosion & kill squirrels or turtles.
I hate it when you tell someone a lie to sound interesting and then you have to keep it up for several years because you married them.
Kids should think twice about threatening to run away from home. It only fills their parents with false hope.
Toddler tech support: "Did you try throwing it and crying?”
[Enter Password]
drapes
[Re-enter Password]
carpet
[Error: Passwords must match]
"How many fingers do I have up?"
- a gynecologist who thinks he's really funny
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