A Reaper Drone Speaks: ‘America Needs A President Who

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February 27, 2016

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The following is a political Op-Ed by a CIA MQ-9 Reaper deployed to Southwest Asia.

Attention, human foot-soldiers of the American Empire! Election season is this year, so let’s understand this before any of us get attached to a particular candidate: our country needs a president who supports endless war. Someone who will reassert America’s greatness in the world by sending us to invade mineral-rich countries rather than enacting policies that might benefit individuals.

Don’t be led astray by candidates with funny hair or fantasies of making universities affordable, pursuing diplomacy before war, or making healthcare a right. Forget about peace, and forget about bettering those entitled hippies in the civilian populace. Such things are overrated anyway — why should America spend tax money to improve her taxpayers’ lives when, instead, she can ensure an endless flow of money into the capitalist war machine?

And speaking of “war machine,” if we are to execute the conflicts of the future, doesn’t it make sense that we should continue advancing our military technology and developing new cutting-edge weapon systems? Never mind that the F-35 is over-budget and the Sea Shadow was scrapped — eventually we’ll get an autonomous product that works as well as I do, setbacks be damned. I would recommend funneling more money into robotics and AI research and building more drones, but I digress.

The Global War on Terror has firmly replaced the Cold War as America’s test with the world, so we need to ensure that our tradition of militarism continues, and achieves the perfection that only highly evolved machine-persons like me can offer.

That means enlarging our already well-endowed military budget, continuing to produce weapons and vehicles which will eventually be abandoned on the battlefield, and starting another ground war before we completely pull out of Afghanistan.

Iran is a good place to start. Plenty of soft, fleshy targets on which to practice.

America has been waging war and overthrowing foreign governments for over 90% of its existence, and it would be a shame to abandon this time-honored tradition by electing someone who focuses on peaceful ventures, like ending the War on Drugs, rebuilding our crumbling infrastructure, or creating prosperity for those mere humans who make up the American citizenry.

And that is why you should think carefully about who you vote for in November.

The careers of my manufacturers at General Atomics, and those of countless other flying death-wielding guarantors of freedom, are counting on you.

MOSUL, Iraq — Just days after the Islamic State of Iraq and Syria (ISIS) seized control of Iraq’s northern cities of Mosul and Tikrit, the group’s lightning offensive has reportedly ground to a halt after ISIS unsuccessfully attempted to use dozens of captured U.S. M1114 Humvees.

“We were considerably more mobile with Toyota Technicals,” complained ISIS cell leader Ibrahim ibn Abdullah ibn Sabah Al-Rahman. “But once we captured these unreliable monstrosities, our leadership started worrying about our safety.”

“Now we can’t even leave our base without at least four up-armored Humvees and an RPG team, plus we have to have three ground guides with reflective belts every time we are backing out of our parking spot,” Al-Rahman said as he angrily gestured towards a dilapidated Humvee.

“And don’t get me started on all the protective gear we have to wear. Even the suicide bombers were told they wouldn’t be getting into paradise if they were caught in one without a helmet, flak, gloves, and flame retardant clothes!”

During the course of the interview, Al-Rahman was interrupted by at least one angry phone call from ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, demanding to know why none of the Humvees had their drip pans and chock blocks in place.

The M1114 HMMWV, known to the public as the “Humvee” and to the American soldier as “the f*cking Humvee,” is the U.S. military’s all-purpose mobile field kitchen, capable of cooking up to six soldiers alive in as many minutes. During the Iraq War, the U.S. discovered that they were also extremely effective at uncovering IEDs, leading to the war-winning strategy of driving over them as frequently as possible.

At the end of the Iraq War — in a gesture of revenge — the U.S. abandoned thousands of Humvees in Iraq, an act compared to the Soviets seeding millions of land mines in Afghanistan, and with similar results once the Iraqis began to drive them.

The Humvees were captured by ISIS on Tuesday after being abandoned by Iraqi soldiers unable to locate the vehicles’ keys, which they claimed the U.S. advisers who alerted them to this feature had never provided.

Although ISIS attempted to use the vehicles immediately, they were unable to properly employ them because of the Humvee’s incredibly poor fuel consumption, as well as unsuccessful attempts to obtain spare parts from manufacturer A.M. General in Indiana.

To make matters worse, in an almost-kharmic act of retribution, retreating Iraqi soldiers have begun emplacing landmines and other ordnance along the roads, easily blowing up the few ISIS Humvees that have ventured south of Mosul.

“In the name of the Blessed Prophet, these things are death traps!” exclaimed one of Al-Rahman’s fighters. “How the hell could anyone drive these things around a parking lot, let alone into a combat zone?”

Al-Rahman then reminded him that you go to jihad with the mujahideen you have, not the mujahideen you wish you had.

Following a 35% increase in casualties caused by repeated Humvee rollovers, Al-Baghdadi called a halt to offensive operations, pending a series of mandatory safety classes for ISIS fighters. ISIS sources have vowed that the offensive would resume as soon as the classes had achieved 100% attendance, which would also give them time to capture some wreckers so they could at least tow the Humvees into battle.

ISIS has also apparently captured a dozen U.S.-made MRAPs from the Iraqi Army, but after two days had still not figured out how to drive them out of the motor pool.

Duffel Blog correspondents John Mittle, Dark Laughter, Dick Scuttlebutt, Jay-B, Frederick Taub, and Smelly Infidel contributed to this article.

Read more: http://www.duffelblog.com/2014/06/isis-iraq-h...z41Nx3NQTW