Help Us Come Up with a Nickname for Young Warm

Help Us Come Up with a Nickname for Young Warmonger Marco Rubio

Come on, this is important.

BY CHARLES P. PIERCE
FEB 4, 2016

Unfortunately, Napoleon is taken in history by, well, Napoleon. And Little Napoleon is taken in history by that magnificent lollygagger, General George B. McClellan, who in truth was a very, very little Napoleon. So we're stuck for a nickname at the moment for Young Marco Rubio, who loves to get himself all puffed-up with the war talk and who daily shares with his audiences his deep longing for the country to get back to waterboarding and indefinite detention.

The problem with Young Marco was identified the other day by Chris Christie: Young Marco's handlers have to tie him to the floor to keep him from floating out a window.

Consider, for example, his response to the president's visit on Wednesday to a Baltimore mosque. By all accounts, it was a fine speech about tolerance and respect and about how we are all Americans first. This was Young Marco's impression. He saw it as the president's…
"…constant pitting people against each other. I can't stand that."

There's a shiny buffalo nickel for anyone who can tell me what in the hell Young Marco's ventriloquist is talking about here. (Even poor Jeb -!- gave the president props for doing what he did.)

My guess is that Young Marco, or whoever works his strings, is arguing here that, because so many of the people who vote in his party are clumsy xenophobes or unspeakable bigots, the president should have respected their mania and skipped the visit to the mosque.

But young Marco's day got a little brighter when Rick Santorum dropped out and endorsed him, proving for good and all that Santorum's real enthusiasm is not for theocracy, but for whackaloon foreign policy.

After all, it's he who's been warning us for two election cycles now that, as soon as the Iranian government gets a chance, it will launch a nuclear warhead at us in order to hasten the return of the 12th Imam. (What it will hasten, of course, is the return of a couple thousand warheads.)

Rubio talks about the Middle East in the same apocalyptic tones, calling Daesh the worst threat that western civilization ever has faced. (Somewhere in Valhalla, Genghis Khan and Attila split a skull-full of mead and ask the lute player if he knows any Patsy Cline.) Given the choice, I'll take the president's approach to the whole business.

And have I mentioned recently what a colossal dick Rick Santorum is?