My girlfriend and I are having a disagreement. S

My girlfriend and I are having a disagreement.
She wants a huge wedding with 500 guests and a piano player… I want us to see other people.

Sorry I hung up on you… I didn't mean to answer the call.

McDonalds…
closing thigh gaps since the 1940's

I ate a misfortune cookie once…

People who say "I hate to bother you"…
need to learn to hate it a little bit more.

I sure hope my wife appreciates...
all the time, effort and thought I put into finding the perfect anniversary gift for her at this gas station.

My wife is finally starting to accept me…
for who she wants me to be.

"Boss, I've got a problem-"
"There are no such things as problems, only opportunities"
"Oh, ok...I've got a serious drinking opportunity"

I walked into a mirror shop
and said, "I want a mirror you fat, ugly bastard." "I'm over here," said the shopkeeper.

Suspect you have schizophrenia?
Don't worry, you're not alone.

Just had a look at the
statistics on female obesity. Awful figures.

My boss said to me,
"Why is it that when things go wrong you always blame somebody else?" I said, "No, you're thinking of Steve. He's the one always blaming others."

What does it take to make
a book a best seller? A girl on the cover and no cover on the girl.

I was checking out this girl
when she said, "Stop staring at my tits, you pervert." I said, "This is your first night working in a strip club, isn't it.