My wife told me to get on the Internet and buy som

My wife told me to get on the Internet and buy something that would make me last longer in bed. I ordered sleeping pills.

Roses are blue,
violets are red. Oh shit, my 3D glasses are on backwards.

I invented gloves.
OK, I'm lying, but I did have a hand in it.

Needles to say,
I don't like syringes.

I love make-up sex with my wife. I don't really like the eyeliner she makes me put on though.

I hate jokes that rely on visual imagery. I've had it right up to here with them.

I once had a gastric band...
but people just couldn't stomach our music !

Wedding rehearsals…
because ruining your life takes practice.

I thought my vasectomy...
would keep my wife from getting pregnant, but apparently it just changes the color of the baby.

I've been known to seize the day…
but mostly I just hug it like a tired boxer holds onto his opponent when he knows the fight's almost over.