Everybody values honesty, until they have an
ugly baby.
If you give a man a fish,
you kinda suck at picking out gifts.
Told a girl she's more attractive when she's not
wearing glasses and she said I'm also more attractive when she's not wearing glasses.
To the squirrel carrying the mushroom up a tree
to his nest: you may want to eat that with your feet firmly on the ground, buddy.
A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to
listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.
Putting on a clean pair of underwear everyday is
a great way to have seven pair on by the end of the week.
The last person to question
my masculinity got a face full of piping hot lavender tea.
Research has shown that
80% of men don't know how to use condoms. These men are known as................. Dads.
There's a kid outside playing tennis with a big bass drum. What a terrible racket.
I used to work at a recycling plant. My job was crushing cans. It was soda pressing.
These are Steven Wright -
I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.
I can levitate birds. No one cares.
For my sister's fortieth birthday, I sent her a singing mammogram.
When I was a kid, we had a quicksand box in the backyard. I was an only child ......................................eventually.
I stepped out for a walk. My girlfriend asked how long I would be out. I said, "The whole time."
Right now I'm having amnesia and deja' vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.
ugly baby.
If you give a man a fish,
you kinda suck at picking out gifts.
Told a girl she's more attractive when she's not
wearing glasses and she said I'm also more attractive when she's not wearing glasses.
To the squirrel carrying the mushroom up a tree
to his nest: you may want to eat that with your feet firmly on the ground, buddy.
A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to
listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.
Putting on a clean pair of underwear everyday is
a great way to have seven pair on by the end of the week.
The last person to question
my masculinity got a face full of piping hot lavender tea.
Research has shown that
80% of men don't know how to use condoms. These men are known as................. Dads.
There's a kid outside playing tennis with a big bass drum. What a terrible racket.
I used to work at a recycling plant. My job was crushing cans. It was soda pressing.
These are Steven Wright -
I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.
I can levitate birds. No one cares.
For my sister's fortieth birthday, I sent her a singing mammogram.
When I was a kid, we had a quicksand box in the backyard. I was an only child ......................................eventually.
I stepped out for a walk. My girlfriend asked how long I would be out. I said, "The whole time."
Right now I'm having amnesia and deja' vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.
