My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep i

My wife is amazing in bed.
She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.

I always dream of being a millionaire
like my uncle!
He's dreaming too.

The funniest part about The Bachelor is the
participants actually think being married is a prize.

I don't know the full history of US and Canada
but somehow we've got joint custody of geese.

Crabs think we walk sideways.

Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I've gotta go find my clothes.

"Oh you just put lotion on? You're not going anywhere." - Doorknob

Maybe I'm just drunk, but
this toilet looks alot like my neighbor's car.

If you ever feel unattractive, just remember
that you look like your ancestors, and hey, all of them got laid.

I'll never forget what my grandfather told me
before he died. He said "Never forget what I'm about to tell you" then some story about corn.

To spice things up in the bedroom,
I have my wife dress up as a pizza boy. Then, I have her put the pizza on the counter and leave.

Dear car commercials, You probably don't mean to
scare me but "German engineering" is also why I don't have so many cousins today.

I go to McDonald's once a month just to
replenish the napkin stash in my car.

When life hands you alligators, make gator aid.

Tried to signal to my wife across the food court
to buy me an extra McNuggets and now I’m in 3 gangs and have to kill someone named “Snake”.

Toilets are really just fart amplifiers when you
are trying to be quiet.

I hate it when I'm trying to take a selfie and
somebody calls my camera.

Experience with women has taught me that
Jack was most likely pushed down the hill.