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They say 'No news is good news,' but I think it just means I have a lazy paperboy.
The only time my wife screams my name in bed
is when I break wind in my sleep.
Sorry I said, "Whoa, hope he's good at math."
when you showed me your kid's finger painting.
In marijuana's defense, I'm lazy as shit completely sober too.
I always carry a condom in my wallet in case
I can't finish my corn dog.
If a cannibal ate a comedian, that could lead to some funny shit.
Pretty sure I know what my wife's getting me for
my birthday, cause when I guessed "A 3-way?", she got all angry, like I ruined the surprise.
Judging by their knives,
the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.
I love how people say they're "expecting" a baby
as though it might be something else, like a penguin or a lawnmower.
Went to the store without my dentures,
because really, what are the odds Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for the same box of fish sticks?
Having no tattoos in 2014 is like having tattoos in 1967.
Broke my New Year’s resolution to exorcise more,
and now there are poltergeists and demons all over my house.
If the head of CIA can't even hide his own
affair, it's pretty safe to say there were no aliens at Roswell, and we really went to the moon.
Grilled cheese is just regular cheese that's
been forced to account for its whereabouts last night between 9:30 and 11.
Black ice is just like regular ice, except it
dies first in movies.
A weeping willow tree is just like a regular
willow tree, only married.
It's late and I'm wondering what my high school girlfriend is doing now. I'd call her but I know she has a big algebra test tomorrow.
I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea.
It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.
The only time my wife screams my name in bed
is when I break wind in my sleep.
Sorry I said, "Whoa, hope he's good at math."
when you showed me your kid's finger painting.
In marijuana's defense, I'm lazy as shit completely sober too.
I always carry a condom in my wallet in case
I can't finish my corn dog.
If a cannibal ate a comedian, that could lead to some funny shit.
Pretty sure I know what my wife's getting me for
my birthday, cause when I guessed "A 3-way?", she got all angry, like I ruined the surprise.
Judging by their knives,
the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.
I love how people say they're "expecting" a baby
as though it might be something else, like a penguin or a lawnmower.
Went to the store without my dentures,
because really, what are the odds Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for the same box of fish sticks?
Having no tattoos in 2014 is like having tattoos in 1967.
Broke my New Year’s resolution to exorcise more,
and now there are poltergeists and demons all over my house.
If the head of CIA can't even hide his own
affair, it's pretty safe to say there were no aliens at Roswell, and we really went to the moon.
Grilled cheese is just regular cheese that's
been forced to account for its whereabouts last night between 9:30 and 11.
Black ice is just like regular ice, except it
dies first in movies.
A weeping willow tree is just like a regular
willow tree, only married.
It's late and I'm wondering what my high school girlfriend is doing now. I'd call her but I know she has a big algebra test tomorrow.
I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea.
It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.
