Stock Market Jokes

The market may be bad, but I slept like a baby last night. I woke up every hour and cried.

What's the difference between buying a lottery ticket and buying a penny stock? In the first case, you help finance your local community swimming pool. In the second case, you help finance the stock promoters home pool.

My broker and I are working on a retirement plan. Unfortunately, it's his!

A long term investment is a short term investment that failed.

A stockbroker is someone who invests your money till it's all gone!

It was so cold today I saw a stockbroker with his hands in his own pockets.

A market analyst is an expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn't happen today!

I'm thinking of leaving my husband, complained the broker's wife. "All he ever does is stand at the end of the bed and tell me how good things are going to be."

Momentum Investing: The fine art of buying high and selling low.
Value Investing: The art of buying low and selling lower

Q: Why did God create stock analysts ?
A: In order to make weather forecasters look good.

Broker: A man on the right end of a telephone.
From Lieberman's collection.

Today's Stock Market Report
Helium was up, feathers were down. Paper was stationary.
Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading. Knives were up sharply.
Cows steered into a bull market. Pencils lost a few points.
Hiking equipment was trailing.
Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline.
Weights were up in heavy trading.
Light switches were off.
Mining equipment hit rock bottom. Diapers remain unchanged.
Shipping lines stayed at an even keel.
The market for raisins dried up.
Coca Cola fizzled.
Caterpillar stock inched up a bit.
Sun peaked at midday.
Balloon prices were inflated.
And Scott Tissue touched a new bottom.
And batteries exploded in an attempt to recharge the market...
From Clyde's collection

Trading online is just great. I find it really speeds things up.
I now get my margin calls 5x faster than before


There are primarily 3 different types of investors who post on the message boards.
1. Those who don't know anything: approx. 10%
2. Those who know a little: approx. 10%
3. Those who don't realize they don't know anything: approx. 80%
From Dimgroup.com

A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.
Saint Peter addresses this guy, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?"
The guy replies, "I'm Joe Cohen, stockbroker, of Noo Yawk City."
Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the stockbroker, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."
The stockbroker goes into Heaven with his robe and staff, and it's the minister's turn. He stands erect and booms out, "I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Saint Mary's for the last forty-three years."
Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."
"Just a minute," says the minister. "That man was a stockbroker-- he gets a silken robe and golden staff but I, a minister, only get a cotton robe and wooden staff? How can this be?"
"Up here, we work by results," says Saint Peter. "While you preached, people slept; his clients, they prayed."

I really didn’t know much about the stock market until becoming a senior in college. Here’s what happened.
There was this guy, Ed, in my dormitory the entire 4 years of college. He was the genius type with bad eyesight. He had these thick coke-bottle glasses and never went to class, but he always got A’s on every test. Instead of going to class, he just sat in his room and studied the stock market. He had stock charts all over the walls and even had a computer before you could even buy them in a store!
Upon reaching my senior year, I realized it was time to get serious about making a living, that I would need to go out and make some money. So I went down to talk to Ed.
"Ed," I said. "I’ll work as hard as I have to. Tell me how I can end up with one million dollars in the stock market." He scratched his head, then lowered his head and looked at me over the top of those thick glasses and said, "Start with $2 million."
From Larry Klein's collection

"I hear that you drop some money in Wall Street. Were you a bull or a bear?"
"Neither, just a plain simple ass."
David Shay's collection

The Walton's invited their new neighbors over to dinner. During dinner Mr.Walton was asked what he did for a living.
Eight years old Brian Walton jumped in and said, "Daddy is a fisherman!" To which Mrs.Walton replied, "Brian, why do say that. Your daddy is a stockbroker, not a fisherman."
"No mom. Everytime we visit dad at work and he hangs up the phone he laughs, rubs his hands together and says 'I just caught another fish'."

Two women were walking through the woods when a frog called out to them and said: "Help me, ladies! I am a stockbroker who, through an evil witch's curse, has been transformed into a frog. If one of you will kiss me, I'll be returned to my former state!"
One woman took out her purse, grabbed the frog, and stuffed it inside her handbag. The other woman, aghast, screamed, "Didn't you hear him? If you kiss him, he'll turn into a stockbroker!"
The second woman replied, "Sure, but these days a talking frog is worth more than a stockbroker!"

A stock analyst and a Wall Street broker went to the races. The broker suggested to bet $10,000 on a horse. The analyst was sceptical, saying that he wanted first to understand the rules, to look on horses, etc. The broker whispered that he knew a secret algorithm for the success, but he could not convince the analyst.
"You are too theoretical," he said and bet on a horse. Surely, that horse came first bringing him a lot of money. Triumphantly, he exclaimed: "I told you, I knew the secret!"
"What is your secret?" the analyst asked.
"It is rather easy. I have two kids, three and five year old. I sum up their ages and I bet on number nine."
"But, three and five is eight," the analyst protested.
"I told you, you are too theoretical!" the broker replied, "Haven't I just shown experimentally that my calculation is correct?!"

Stockbroker's creed: A man is a client until proven broke.

October. This is one of the peculiarly dangerous months to speculate in stocks in. The others are July, January, September, April, November, May, March, June, December, August and February.
Mark Twain

A stockbroker says to his colleague, "I don't think this line of work is for you. You just keep losing money all the time."
"You're right," he replied. "My whole life all I've done is lose money".
Next day he comes to work and resigns.
His coworker asks, "What are you going to do for living?"
"I finally figured out how I can make some money from losing money all the time."
"How?"
"I am going to build a web page and take it public."

A man calls his stockbroker all anxious and out of breath with this urgency in his voice. He says, "Sell it all, sell everything fast, right away." The stockbroker tries to explain that the market is cyclical in nature and that for long term outlook stocks still remain the place to be.
The man says, "Let me tell you a secret. You know I've been married for 6 years now and I've been your client for 5 years."
"Yes, go on," the stockbroker says.
"Well. My wife has this thing about the market. Her grandparents lost it all in the great crash and ever since then her family found investing in the market akin to original sin. When we got married I promised her that I would follow in her parents footsteps and never venture in the stock market and always leave all our money under the mattress."
"Wow, I didn't know that. I guess you want the money because the market is going down, in case she asks for it."
"No, I want the money because she ordered a new mattress and it is being delivered in two days."

A market guru walks into a pizzeria to order a pizza. There the waiter asks him: "Should I cut it into six pieces or eight pieces?"
The guru replies: "I'm feeling rather hungry right now. You'd better cut it into eight pieces."

A good old joke: A long time ago, a visitor from out of town came to a tour in Manhattan. At the end of the tour they took him to the financial district. When they arrived to Battery Park the guide showed him some nice yachts anchoring there, and said, "Here are the yachts of our bankers and stockbrokers." "And where are the yachts of the investors?" asked the naive visitor.

A young stockbroker decided to take a day off and visit some of his professors in his old school. When he made his way into the entrance he noticed a dog was attacking a small child. He quickly grabbed the dog and throttled it with his two hands.
The next day the local newspaper reported the story with the headline, "Valiant student saves boy from ferocious dog".
The stockbroker called the editor and strongly suggested that a correction be issued and that the paper will tell the readers he was a successful Wall Street broker and not a student.
The next day the newspaper issued a correction and the headline read, "Pompous stockbroker kills school mascot".

How many stockbrokers does it take to change a light bulb?
"My God! It burnt out!! Sell all my G.E. stock NOW!!!"
Two. One to take out the bulb and drop it, and the other to try and sell it before it crashes (knowing that it's already burned out).

About Stocks Trading Strategies

When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried before.  
Mae West

If you want a guarantee, buy a toaster.
Clint Eastwood

Yesterday is not ours to recover, but tomorrow is ours to win or lose.
Lyndon B. Johnson

M Allen, Stock Market Timing
The best time to buy anything is last year.

The stock market was in a terrible state. One day the Dow Jones was unchanged and they called it a rally.

There was a tremendous turnaround in the market today. A stock brocker who jumped out of a window on the twelfth floor, saw a computer screen on the seventh floor and did a U-turn.

You know you've gone to the wrong stockbroker when you ask him to buy 1,000 shares in IBM and he asks you how to spell it.
From The Penguin Dictionary ..