I may be old, but............................
..............I got to see the America before it went to shit.

Mom used to feed me yeast and put me in the oven
That's just how I was raised.

So I just checked my home insurance policy and apparently
if my blanket is stolen in the middle of the night, I won’t be covered

My half-brother and I aren’t allowed to play with chainsaws anymore.

It always irked my mother that her grocery store didn’t carry eggs in packages of six—just by the dozen.
Then one day, her wish came true. She walked into the grocery and found fresh eggs in cartons of six!
She was so excited, she bought two.

What did the lovesick bull say to the cow ?
"When I fall in love, it will be forheifer." ( sorry )

Condoms don't always guarantee safe sex.
A buddy of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman's husband.

Not to brag, but I defeated our local chess champion in less than 5 moves.
Finally my high school karate lessons came to some use.

Source, SHORENUFFSTUFF AT IfIB