A cop pulled me over for running a stop sign.
He said, "Didn't you see the stop sign?" I said, "Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read."

My proctologist suggested
I use ferns to clean out my system. His motto is: "With fronds like these, who needs enemas?"

Just so you know....
It's not your dryer that's shrinking your clothes...
It's your refrigerator.

Saw on Twitter today that the
Jamaican Parliament was dreadlocked.

Three words guaranteed to humiliate men
everywhere: "Hold my purse."

My wife: "The best way to a man's heart is to
saw his breast plate open."

What did Johnny Depp's bed say ...
when Amber Heard walked in?
You've got to be shitting me.

I think we're in for a bad spell of wether .

Always remember that when your dog is so fat
that he gets stuck halfway through the doggy door, it's always best that his hind end is on on the half that is stuck on the outside.

Husband: "Last night, in your sleep, you were using abusive language against me."
Wife: "That was your imagination."
Husband: "What imagination?"
Wife: "That I was asleep."

Oh no!!
Our neighbor died.
Wife: Who, Ray?
Me: I don't think cheering is quite appropriate, Karen.