I watched a naked woman do stand--up comedy.
Never laughed so hard in my life.

I hardly Laughed.

What is a blonde psychic's greatest achievement?
An IN-body experience.

My wife is a brunette. I married a blonde.......
............................but she dyed.

Stop referring to us as "weed smokers".
From now on, you can call us "your highness".

My kids were hungry
so I made them burgers from scratch.
They got really upset and started to cry.
Scratch is a stupid name for a cat anyway.

I used to cry during sex.
But now, pepper spray doesn't affect me.

My wife accused me of stealing her thesaurus.
This accusation has made me dumbfounded, awestricken, flabbergasted, stupefied and quite frankly, bewildered.

A husband was throwing darts at a picture of his wife's photo, but not even a single one hit its target.
From another room his wife calls him and asks,
"Honey, what are you doing?"
Husband, - Missing you.

Refusing to go to the gym counts as resistance training, right?