A man was riding on the bus and reading and article about life and death statistics. Fascinated he turns to the fellow sitting next to him and says "Did you know that every time I breathe somebody's dies?"
The fellow turns to him and says "Have you tried using mouthwash?"

My doctor just told me I have hypochondria.
I thought, "Shit, not that too !"

My wife just got collagen injections in her butt.
Now she looks like a smuggler's desk. She has a false bottom in her drawers.

My doctor told me to keep track of my bowel movements.
I asked, "How?" He said to keep a log.

What would you do if you woke up without bowels?
Don't know about you, but I'd be scared shitless.

Just had a massive bowel movement.
It was both rewarding and unfull feeling.

Just bought the best telescope a person can get.
The price was astronomical.