I told my friend I saw a man get thrown under a bus today.
He said, “Oh my God – was it moving?”
I said, “Well a few people were crying, but I was fine.”

I won a million dollars on the lottery today so
I decided to donate a quarter of it to charity.
Now I have $999,999.75.

I was chatting to a girl yesterday and I told
her I was thinking of running a marathon again.
She was impressed, “You’ve run a marathon before?”
I said, “No, but I’ve thought about it.”