My boss said, “I find it highly suspicious that
you are only sick on weekdays.”
I said, “It must be my weekend immune system.”

My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday.
So the delivery guy knocked on the door today to check if we were okay.

I sat down for dinner at a restaurant, and the waiter asked me,
“Do you want to hear today’s special?”
I said, “Yes, please.”
He said, “No problem, sir. Today is special.”

A bossy man goes into a bar.
He orders everyone a round.

I didn't learn a thing in college.
I majored in psychology and minored in reverse psychology.

My dyslexic brother-in-law eats shellfish for his anxiety.
He says it clams him down.

Just discovered the cure for social anxiety.....
Social Security.

I suffer from separation anxiety.
My wife left me and I'm afraid she'll come back.

I have a phobia of hair...............
I dread-locks.