Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers.
They knew, and they did nothing.

Based on how poorly this burrito was wrapped,
I assume it was made by the one person at Taco Bell that has never rolled a blunt.

My gardening skills improved since quarantine.
I planted myself on the sofa in April and have grown bigger ever since...

Don’t adopt a puppy to see if you’re ready for kids...
Adopt a homeless guy with diarrhea & a bunch of stories that don’t go anywhere.

So if we defund the police and someone breaks into my house,
do I just call the coroner directly or what?

Grim Reaper: I have come for you.
Grim Reaper’s Wife: You don’t have to say that every time we do it.

Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?

Just saw a fat dude lick pizza grease off his shirt...
so that's the last time I eat in front of a mirror.

My wife said she bought the lingerie for me,
but then got upset when I put it on...
I just don't get women.

What happens when you cross alcohol with a
book of literary merit? Tequila Mockingbird.

My doctor said, "alcoholism is a disease."
I immediately went to my bartender for a shot.

Me: "My wife struggles with alcoholism."
Friend: "Does she drink heavily?"
Me: "No, I do."

My wife always complains that I come home from work half drunk.
It's only because I run out of money.

h/t SHORENUFFSTUFF