I was mugged on the way home last night. Pointing a knife at me he said, "your money or your life". I told him I was married so I have no money nor a life. We hugged and cried together. It was a beautiful moment.

Drinking at home instead of the bar isn't working out. Last night,
I almost asked my wife for her phone number.

Lib speak with forked tongue;
Stole this joke from paleface many many moons ago.

Last night a Chinese guy came to my favorite bar.
I asked him if he knew Kung Fu or some other martial art.
He said, “Why do you ask me that? Is it just because I’m Chinese?!”
“No it’s because you’re drinking MY beer!“