If where you live doesn't have numbers on it,
you really need to address that.

She passed on the scalloped potatoes because
"I don't really like seafood."
It was at that moment where I knew she was dumb enough to sleep with me.

If you put away the clean laundry on the same day that you wash it,
I feel like that’s what you should lead with on your resume.

Calling your girlfriend your "lady friend"
is a great way to let everyone know you both met on Craigslist.

I like my women like I like my coffee,
hot and all over my crotch when I’m driving.

Interviewer: give me an example of when you’ve been a team player?
Me: once my friend wanted to sleep with this girl but she was married.
Interviewer: and you?
Me: distracted her husband with an interview.

Life is like a box of chocolates...…...it doesn't last long for fat people.

What do women and police cars have in common?
They both make a lot of noise to let you know they're coming.

Source: SHORENUFFSTUFF at iFib