If we're not meant to have midnight snacks, why is there a light in the fridge?

There's a hurricane on the way. They said we should stock up on canned goods. So I went out and bought a case of beer.

Every new McDonald's creates 40 jobs. 20 dentists and 20 heart surgeons.

A local butchers advertised: “Lamb for sale. Was $10 now $5”. I thought, that's sheep at half the price

Everyone thinks I'm a hypochondriac – it makes me sick.

Today I tried to donate blood but they had too many questions about where I got it.

Take the health warning about sodium intake with a pinch of salt.

Just got the bill for my operation. Now I know why those guys wear masks.

I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.

Last week I got eczema, diarrhoea, gonorrhoea and hemorrhoids. First time I've ever won a game of Scrabble.

I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I'm a hippie and start talking about recycling.

I'm wearing a burqa, fencing mask, & a welding helmet while reading a book on cannibalism & an old lady on the bus still wants to chat.

Pretending you're dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.

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