Phrases I hope to avoid in my obituary: “skeletal remains,” “dumpster,” “almost beyond recognition,” “dental records” and “shallow grave.”

I am at the gym! Well, the parking lot. They have free wi-fi.

Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.

People who go jogging, you realize we have cars now, right?

Remember when we thought it would be fun to grow up and have jobs? LOL