63% of Americans...
can't locate the Earth on a globe.

I ended a relationship today.
But don't worry, it wasn't mine.

Police detective: Where were you last Monday...
between the hours of 11 and 2?
Me: Seriously?!? I can't even remember what show I was just watching if the commercials are too long.

Running with scissors is dangerous.
Throw the scissors ahead of you and run to where they landed. Repeat until you arrive safely at your destination.

How many others do this?
“When my wife and I argue, we’re like a band in concert: we start with some new stuff, and then we roll out our greatest hits.”