Don’t worry about video games causing violence. That would require leaving the couch and interacting with reality.

I'm starting to think the guy that gave me directions to the train station was just talking to someone on his Bluetooth.

Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.

No one realizes when someone says, "The last thing I wanna do is hurt you," that basically implies: there is a list, hurting you is on it.

A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe.

I'm no longer interested in self-discovery; I'm more interested in self-medication.

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