Believing you are popular or famous on twitter..
is like believing you are rich because you won a game of Monopoly.

Just like my overly critical mother…
every time I see children I want to belittle again.

I'm just a naked guy in an elm tree…
noticing the creepy way you stare at me through your bathroom window.

If men really ran the world.....
Birth control would come in ale or lager.

I love strong, powerful women. They can....
open jars without my help.

Women fall in love with what they hear, men....
fall in love with what they can see,
that's why women wear make up and men lie.

Music teacher to student:
"I warn you................if you don't behave, I'll tell your parents that you have a talent for music.

Taylor Swift waved at a boy yesterday and he
didn't wave back..................so she'll have a new song coming out tomorrow.

What would it take to reunite the Beatles?
Two bullets, minimum.