My wife told me...
Sex is always better while on vacation.
Not the best post card I ever received.

My wife said....
If I ever get Alzheimer's I'll commit suicide as opposed to burdening you with my care.
I said "That's the tenth time you told me that today."

Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we're married & live together so I'd have to see them every day.

If I say, "Don't worry, I'm on it," there's a 98% chance I'm referring to my couch.

What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?

We squint at the sun because it's bright.
We squint at people because they're not.

I wonder if Einstein's friends…
were ever able to say "nice work, Einstein" without sounding sarcastic?

I recently got fired from my job in a
Salvation Army soup kitchen. All I said was: "Hurry up all of you, some of us have homes to go to."