69% of people......
find something dirty in every sentence.

I don't want to be a millionaire. I just....
want to have enough money to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.

I saw a man yesterday who was so bald......
I could see what he was thinking.

Should crematoriums give discounts.....
for burn victims?

Crematoriums make my blood boil.

I'm in a long distance relationship,
her restraining order ends tomorrow.

When you go into court, you are....
putting your fate into the hands of people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

I am a recovering alcoholic......
man was last night rough.

I'm a recovering upholsterer.