(Total Views: 115)
Posted On: 03/07/2019 5:27:49 PM
Post# of 127213
Honesty is the best policy but..............
insanity is the best defense.
Love is like a machine...
sometimes you need a good screw to fix it.
No dear, those pants don't make you look fatter.
I mean, how could they?
At my job, I have 500 people under me....
I'm a security guard at a cemetery.
The best things in the world are free...
and worth every penny of it.
My wife told me that I twist everything she says to my advantage.
I take that as a compliment.
I had a job selling security alarms door to door
and I was really good at it. If no one was home I would just leave a brochure on the kitchen table.
The mother-in-law came over for Sunday dinner
While sitting at the table she moaned, "Why is that damn dog sitting here on the floor staring at me?" I replied, "you're using his favorite dish".
How do you tell if an orange is male or female?
If it squirts in your eye without warning, it's a male. If it's cold and bitter for no apparent reason, it's a female.
I asked my grandmother how she’s enjoying her new stairlift.
She said, “It’s driving me up the wall.”
Bob patted his daughter’s hand fondly,
and told her, “Your young man told me today he wanted you as a bride, and I gave my consent.”
“Oh, Papa,” gushed the daughter, “it’s going to be so hard leaving Mother.”
“I understand perfectly, my dear,” beamed Mr. Bob. “You just take her with you.”
SHORENSTUFF @ iFib
insanity is the best defense.
Love is like a machine...
sometimes you need a good screw to fix it.
No dear, those pants don't make you look fatter.
I mean, how could they?
At my job, I have 500 people under me....
I'm a security guard at a cemetery.
The best things in the world are free...
and worth every penny of it.
My wife told me that I twist everything she says to my advantage.
I take that as a compliment.
I had a job selling security alarms door to door
and I was really good at it. If no one was home I would just leave a brochure on the kitchen table.
The mother-in-law came over for Sunday dinner
While sitting at the table she moaned, "Why is that damn dog sitting here on the floor staring at me?" I replied, "you're using his favorite dish".
How do you tell if an orange is male or female?
If it squirts in your eye without warning, it's a male. If it's cold and bitter for no apparent reason, it's a female.
I asked my grandmother how she’s enjoying her new stairlift.
She said, “It’s driving me up the wall.”
Bob patted his daughter’s hand fondly,
and told her, “Your young man told me today he wanted you as a bride, and I gave my consent.”
“Oh, Papa,” gushed the daughter, “it’s going to be so hard leaving Mother.”
“I understand perfectly, my dear,” beamed Mr. Bob. “You just take her with you.”
SHORENSTUFF @ iFib
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