Please be kind to Jussie Smollett guys...
You know he's really beating himself up right now.

I relabeled all the jars in my wife's spice rack.
I'm not in trouble yet but the thyme is cumin.

There will only be 7 planets tomorrow...
Because I'm going to destroy Uranus.

Donald sent Melania to find out about the Mueller probe...
She came back and told him it's at least eight inches.

Why is it called a "prison compound"...
and not a "guilt complex"?

I overheard this in a café the other day...
"Would you please stop listening to our conversation?"

When cooking for a date for the first time…
I use plenty of garlic so we can get the whole "vampire/not a vampire" question out of the way.

My driver’s side window quit working.
So I guess I'm on a diet.

The day Microsoft will make something that
doesn’t suck is probably the day they’ll start making vacuum cleaners.

My boss told me that as a security guard, it’s
my job to watch the office.
I’m on season 6 now but I’m not really sure what it’s got to do with security.