Please be kind to Jussie Smollett guys...
You know he's really beating himself up right now.

I relabeled all the jars in my wife's spice rack.
I'm not in trouble yet but the thyme is cumin.

There will only be 7 planets tomorrow...
Because I'm going to destroy Uranus.

Why is it called a "prison compound"...
and not a "guilt complex"?

I overheard this in a café the other day...
"Would you please stop listening to our conversation?"

When cooking for a date for the first time…
I use plenty of garlic so we can get the whole "vampire/not a vampire" question out of the way.

My driver’s side window quit working.
So I guess I'm on a diet.

The day Microsoft will make something that
doesn’t suck is probably the day they’ll start making vacuum cleaners.

My boss told me that as a security guard, it’s
my job to watch the office.
I’m on season 6 now but I’m not really sure what it’s got to do with security.