My teacher told me I'd never be good at
poetry because I'm dyslexic...
But so far I've made three jugs and a vase and they're lovely.

I used to own a Delorean...
but I only drove it from time to time.

I gave my date a bottle of tonic water
and Schwepped her off her feet.

The brownies I started making
in my Easy Bake Oven in 1985 are ready if anybody wants one.

I ain’t the brightest book in the shed.

I remember when my Mom used to tuck me in.
She really wanted a daughter.

I always carry a picture of my wife and kids in my wallet. I do it to remind myself why there's no money in there.