I called the Shopping Network
the other day and they answered, "May we help you"?
I said, "No thanks, I'm just looking".

Ironically, it’s my humility...
that makes me so much better than everyone else.

TICKET AGENT: "Will this be round trip?"
FLAT EARTHER: "Here we go again!"

My appearance is best be described as…
"hopefully he has a good personality.”

You know you're too drunk to drive...
when you swerve to miss a tree then realize it was your air freshener.

I can only guess that people with dark-tinted car windows must
pick their noses much more aggressively than the rest of us...

She is so blonde that…
She thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.

I tried to explain to my 4-year-old son
that it's perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants,
but he's still making fun of me.