The one for Salty is in the bold print>>>

Sean Connery once asked his wife to sit on his lap ...
just once.

"Dad, look! I'm a 3D printer!"
"Dave, close the damn door if you're taking a shit."

I used to own an ice cream shop but didn't pay my electric bill...
They liquidated my assets.

I took my finger out of her hole, and......
in seconds she was going down on me. I thought to myself, Man. I am really gonna miss this boat.

One thing I know about the speed of light....
It gets here way too early in the morning.

There is no key to a woman’s heart......
There’s only a password that changes regularly.