A woman fell off a cruise ship today.
She was identified as Eileen Dover.

There's really a quick way to tell if your house is haunted.
It isn't.

My mother-in-law bought a talking parrot.
But she took it back a week later. "This parrot hasn't said anything!" she complained. "I haven't had a freeking chance yet!" replied the parrot.

Someone stole my Visa card.
Now it's everywhere I want to be.

Free puppies: part cocker spaniel, part horny neighbor's dog.

My friend died doing what he loved..............the next door neighbor lady.

Perfect housewarming gift: Fire.

It's not what you do.......it's what you get away with that matters.

Why don't pre-marital classes have a section on which way to hang the toilet paper?

Breaking news: Superman arrested and denied bail. They say he's a flight risk.

I try to stay in touch with reality.........but it won't return my calls.

When I was a child, I was kidnapped. My parents immediately jumped into action.......................they rented out my room.