Whenever I go to a sauna, I must have the whole thing to my self...
I have selfish steam issues.

An American Stealth Bomber had to make emergency landing.
Bet they didn't see that one coming.

Just had a tattoo done on my ass that says,
If you're reading this, we're in prison.

My wife's a magician.
She can turn anything into an argument.

Whoever won the Mega Millions jackpot will make history.
They'll be the first billionaire to pay taxes.

I’m giving away my chimney for free....
It’s on the house.