Apparently, they're not making shortbread any longer.

I was told it's good to tell people to "have a nice day".
But when I put it in my own words, people give me dirty looks when I tell them to "enjoy the next 24 hours"

A real SMART TV will start raising it's volume
when you start eating chips.

Doctor; "OK, Mrs. A, let's have a look at your results"
Patient; "My name isn't Mrs A."
Doctor; "I have some bad news then. It appears you have MRSA."

I have to stop...
storing my weed in the kitchen.
It keeps calling my kettle black.

At the rate law schools are turning out lawyers,
soon there will be more of them than humans.

It annoys me when engineering students call themselves engineers.
You don't hear medical students calling themselves doctors, or art students calling themselves unemployed.