The U.S. Senate Presents: Shitty Dinner Theatre! Starring

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The U.S. Senate Presents: Shitty Dinner Theatre! Starring Brett Kavanaugh! (Ferret/ShowerCap)

Hey folks, I tried to take it a bit easy over the long holiday weekend, but of course the news continued to churn in the background, like some sort of evil alternate universe precariously contained in a snow globe on my writing desk. But I did enjoy some beers and some steaks.

(You want this post with super-helpful news links? You know you do. Click here: showercapblog.com/the-u-s-senate-presents-shitty-dinner-theatre-starring-brett-kavanaugh/)

It's almost kinda cute watching the various mini-Trumps of the GOP feebly attempt his schtick. Rod Blum, incumbent in the Iowa first, summoned all his might to attack the filthy Lügenpresse when a journalist...asked him a question. (Gasp!) While Blum required several days in the ICU, he is expected to make a full recovery.

Speaking of mini-Trumps, awwwwwww!!!! Young KKKris KKKobach has a grand jury investigation of his very own! THEY GROW UP SO FAST!!! Anyway, have fun with everybody pokin’ through your vote-suppressing drawers, you cheap Nazi fuck.

Paul Manafort's daughter is so ashamed of her dirtbag traitor felon dad that she's changing her name, which is like a double-schadenfreude brownie with mint frosting and gofuckyourself chips. They should print out that article, and paper the walls of Paulie's fuckin’ cell with it.

I'm sure you've seen the pics of fuckin’ Melania, pretending to garden in high heels. Like, is this the First Lady of the United States, or an unused concept for a Duran Duran video from 1983?

Now it seems Omarosa may have recorded nearly every conversation she had with Weehands McDick in the fucking White House? Good gravy.

Y’all, if this cut-rate attention whore can pull that off, IMAGINE what an all-you-can-eat buffet this gaggle of incompetent assclowns is for foreign intelligence services. It's safe to assume the Russians have the nuclear codes by now. Fuck, they've got the formula for Coca-Cola. Maybe even Colonel Sanders’ secret recipe.

And I guess the Shart House is hiding behind executive privilege to suppress thousands of pages of documents on Brett Kavanaugh. I dunno. Me, I like surprises. When he rules that it's totes constitutional to replace K-12 schooling with Just Watching Fox News All Day, it'll be a real fun twist.

Oh, didja see the thing where President Crotchrot attacked Attorney General Sessions for refusing to squash the prosecutions of a couple of criminals because they happen to be “popular” members of The Party?

Anybody else remember when news like that would've ground the entire world to a halt? Now it's all, “Oh, the American President doesn't like that there are laws, I guess. That seems less than ideal.”

Y’all, they would've impeached Obama SO HARD if he'd said that shit. They'd have impeached him if there was a RUMOR he said it. They'd have impeached him if he read a book where a character said it. They'd have impeached Michelle and Sasha and Malia and Bo and Joe Biden and Luther the Anger Translator.

Not only will Shart Garfunkel face no consequences whatsoever for demanding that his gang of thugs be allowed to flaunt the law, but his invertebrate enablers in the institutional GOP are sending warmer and warmer signals that if he feels like kickin’ it dictator-style, firing the AG and the Special Counsel, and more or less incinerating the rule of law in America once and for all, they're 31 flavors of cool with it.

Anyway, as I've mentioned, my fallback plan used to be teaching, but lately I've been thinking of joining the Republican Party, holding up a few banks, and then just waiting for my pardon.

So I guess the New Yorker invited Steve Bannon to some big fancy shindig, and everybody got mad because they were worried that the secretions from his facial sores would drip in the punch, and they went, “Look. I don't party with white supremacist losers, no matter how obtuse your cartoons are,” so Darth Wino got un-invited and now he's free to make balloon animals at your daughter's cotillion that night.

Insomuch as this silly little blog can be said to have a “mission statement,” it's right up there at the top: Chronicling the Insanity of the Trump Era Because Future Generations Are Gonna Think We Made All This Shit Up.

In the spirit of this holy mission, I want to reassure whatever yet-unborn historian or high school student or alien anthropologist picking through our civilization’s remains that may be reading this in the far-off future that what I am about to tell you is totally fucking real.

You probably already know our culture was struggling with virulent bigotry at this point in American history. What may surprise you is that some folks were so deranged with racist hate that they would not only destroy their own property, but post recordings of the destruction on the information superhighway (or “internet”) to impress other racists.

You see, there's this one black man they hate with the passion of a thousand suns (Why? Oh, he engaged in an act of peaceful protest. Don't ask.), and he's in this ad campaign, and so yeah, they're setting their shoes on fire. And shorts and socks. I think they're taking them off first, but I can't vouch for that with any confidence.

People are fuckin’ weird, is what I'm sayin’.

I see former Senator John Kyl will be filling the remainder of John McCain's term. I confess, I've been caught flat-footed by this one. I have no John Kyl jokes. Is John Kyl funny? Ummmm...now many John Kyls does it take to screw in a light bulb? ...shit, I got nothin'. LOOK OVER THERE, IT'S MARY ELIZABETH MASTRANTONIO!

Some excerpts from Bob Woodward’s forthcoming behind-the-scenes peak at the Drumpf White House, titled “Nitwit” or “Shit-fer-Brains” or something, prompted a wave of denials from high-ranking officials.

“I did not call the President a turd-gargling doofus during a staff meeting,” insisted General John Kelly, "That happened at the Xmas party.”

“Rumors that I whacked the President across the nose with a rolled-up newspaper when he suggested assassinating Bashar al-Assad are exaggerated,” said Defense Secretary Mattis through a spokesman, “the newspaper was exclusively a short-term potty-training tool, and a damned effective one if I do say so.”

“No habla inglés,” said Sean Spicer, from behind the bushes in his front yard.

Rugged Robert Mueller has indicated that he's willing to accept some written answers from Lil’ Donnie Two-Scoops on certain topics in his Russia probe. Hope he's also willing to accept them in Rudy Giuliani's handwriting.

I guess I'm supposed to gripe about the all the bullshit Senate Republicans belched up in the Kavanaugh confirmation hearing today. I suppose I could parse every act of hypocrisy, great and small. I could scream MERRICK GARLAND until my throat bleeds.

I confess I didn't watch. I did see some clips, and I'm happy with the fight I saw from our Dems. Good, scrappy, shit.

In the end, the whole thing's for show, and all the indignant GOP speechifyin’ boils down to “We have the power to do this thing, and we're going to do it as quickly as possible, because we all know the wheels could come off this fucker any minute.”

At least Kavanaugh showed his true colors for all the world to see, giving the sub-zero shoulder to the grieving father of a Parkland victim. Him n’ Neil Gorsuch are gonna carve out out a nice little We Hate People Caucus on the bench. On the weekends they'll smoke cigars, drink brandy, and wander down to the charity wards to watch the poor folks die from treatable diseases.

Folks, I don't blame you if you're mad about this shit. Brett's a real prick, and he'll do real harm. Is there still a chance to stop his confirmation? I suppose, but it depends on Republican senators magically not behaving like Republican senators. From where I'm sitting, the best thing we can do is make sure he's the last lunatic right-winger ever to get nominated.