Alcohol: a push-up bra for your personality...

I considered being a stay-at-home Dad until I realized the kids would be there.

What this house needs is a box of shit. Let's get a cat.

Karma means I can rest easy at night knowing all the people I treated badly had it coming.

I always thought music was more important than sex. Then I thought, "if I don't hear a concert for a year, it doesn't bother me".

If life hands you lemons... stick one down your pants and make your package look bigger.

Things you'll never hear a Texan say: >>>

No more for me, I'm driving tonight.
Trim the fat off that steak.
Spitting is such a vile habit.
Honey, we don't need another dog.
Do you think my gut is too big?
We're vegetarians.
Oh, I just couldn't. She's only sixteen.
Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?
No kids in the back of the pickup. It's just not safe.
I thought Graceland was a bit tacky.
You can't feed that to the dog.
We don't keep firearms in this house.
Actually, I'll have a Heineken.
Duct tape won't fix that.