All my life I've wanted to be somebody. It's now clear I should have been more specific.

Me:"I tried to commit suicide yesterday."
Blonde: "Did it work?"

My brother and I laugh at how competitive we were as kids.
But I laugh more.

You better brace yourself,
If you really want to be your own orthodontist.

Scientists are tired of all the Uranus jokes so,
they are renaming it "Urectum"

Alimony is like paying installments on a car
after you've totaled it.