Airline just told my girlfriend she has too much baggage and they've only known her a couple of minutes…

I need a sex change. I'd like to go from none to some.

Sorry I yelled "Chug it!" as you were breastfeeding your baby…

Well I have to go now, my days are numbered. That's how calendars work…

My favorite pick-up line: "Pick that up."

I hate being bipolar............................it's amazing.

When we first got married, my wife treated me like a god. Then I found out she was dyslexic.