I’ve been looking at my ceiling and while I wouldn’t say it’s the best in the world, it’s definitely up there.

I invented the cold air balloon
but it never really took off.

The UPS guy was fired for joking around at work.
boss said he had to work on his delivery.

What is the least spoken language in the world?
Sign language.

I looked her square in the eyes and said,
"Squirting isn't real, right? It's just urine, right?"
"I meant any questions about the job." the interviewer sighed.

I broke up with my girlfriend
after she had to have all of her toes amputated...
I told her before we started dating that I'm lack-toes intolerant.

President Trump apologizes for using the term;
"shit hole countries" and states that what he really meant to say was "turd world countries"