The doctor gave me one year to live.
In the heat of the moment, I shot him. The judge gave me 40 years.
Problem solved.

I took my wife’s family out for crackers and orange juice.
They weren’t very happy about having to donate blood though.

I was attacked by a group of mime artists.
They did unspeakable things to me.

You know what I hate?
People who answer their own questions.

My wife taught our car a new trick.
She got it to roll over yesterday.

I saved 15% on car insurance
by leaving the scene of the accident.

I recently took up meditation.
Beats sitting around doing nothing.

Yesterday, I went to the Air and Space Museum.
There was nothing there.

If Einstein hadn't come up with the Theory of Relativity,
somebody else would have. It was only a matter of time.

Are you blonde leo? >>>>>

How do you know a blonde has been trying to commit suicide?
There are bullet holes in the mirror.