Probably should not have driven home from the bar last night.. especially considering I walked there.

I'm not saying women are smarter than men, but its kinda ironic that there's so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.

My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.

I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.

My wife is playing hard to get. Rid of.

The noblest of dogs is the hot dog, it feeds the hand that bites it.

I wish all my younger siblings would appreciate how low I set the bar for them.

You can always identify decaf
because it’s faced backwards.