Most people are shocked when they find out
how incompetent I am as an electrician.

You would find affordable glasses in an eye deal world.

How many Irish does it take to change a lightbulb?
Fook it, we’ll jes' drink in the dark.

English is weird.
It can be understood through tough thorough thought, though.

9 out of 10 Americans are stupid...
I’m so glad I’m in the 1%.

I can count the number of times I’ve been to
Chernobyl on one hand. – It’s seven.

I went for a run today.
It was a beer run, but I was sweating.

If money is the root of all evil…
then I must be the nicest person alive.

Duckling means "little duck".
That's why I no longer eat dumplings.