Sorry I am late.
I got stuck behind some jerk going the speed limit.

No two members of any family…
have the same interpretation of the sentence "We need to leave in ten minutes."

Adam: [rummaging through a pile of leaves]
Eve, have you seen my work clothes, honey?

I saw a sign that said 'FREE PUPPIES'.
I don’t know what crime they’re accused of, but I sure hope they at least get a fair trial.

Wife: I just got stung by a jellyfish.
Quick, pee on it.
Me: [peeing on jellyfish] This is for stinging my wife!

I don’t think it’s a coincidence that…
mini beer fridges are the same size as night stands, I tell my wife as we’re shopping for new bedroom furniture.

No matter how often a married man changes jobs,
he still ends up with the same boss.

Some see things as they are and ask, why?"
Others see things that never were and ask, "Where's my medication?"

The waiter said, "Your table will be ready shortly."
That's the last time we'll be coming to an IKEA restaurant.

Dunking basketballs doesn’t make them
Taste any less rubbery.