My mom embarrassed me me today when one of my Mexican friends came over..she just kept saying "Is he a drug dealer? He looks like a drug dealer"
I said "No mom that's racist...and put your money away"

The worst part of the server crashing is........
that she was carrying my salad.

Never bring a ladle to a knife fight.
You'll be able to dish it out, but you won't be able to take it.

Girls are suckers for a sad story…
so I always tell them about my dad leaving us on my 8th birthday. I leave out the part where he returned with my cake.
It wasn't chocolate so...still sad.

My birthday suit doesn't fit me anymore.

When I was 6 years old..
.. I got coal for Christmas, so the next year I poisoned Santa's cookies and milk.. But somehow he found out and the bastard killed my father.